The All Elusive Self Confidence

  • Why do I care so much what others think?
  • Why can’t I be comfortable in myself.
  • Why do I second guess myself?
  • Why am I so unsure of myself around others?

I asked some people where the lack of confidence derives and our conversations turned to the fear of failure. Failure can be letting ourselves down, letting others down or not being approved or accepted.

Do you know that the #1 attractive trait in a person is self-confidence? Confidence is the #1 thing that almost everyone struggles. I know in my life journey I wanted to be loved, I wanted to fit in, I wanted everyone to like me, accepted me and included me.

With these desires running my life, over and over, I sold myself out. Yes, that is what I did. I learned to be a people pleaser. I sacrificed my values, I learned to question my self-worth, doubt myself, hid from myself and I felt I had lost myself. I would sacrifice for others so they would love and accept me, but I found I didn’t like myself much anymore. I didn’t even know who I was, why I felt so lonely and used and alone, even when around other people.

The layers of masks, the name brand labeled clothes, where we go, who we talk to, the work we do. Yet, feeling so alone and empty seems to be the story of so many people. Even those we would never suspect, feel this way.

Does this sound familiar?

The #1 attractive trait in a person is self-confidence. The question is, though, how can you be self-confident if you do not know who you are?

We tend to live our lives based on the perceived expectations of others. That is a high bar to achieve because it is unrealistic and does not reflect who we truly are.

After years and even decades of being someone we are not, how do we get back to who to the core of who we are? And if we do, will those in our lives still love us?

First off, who will love us is not even a question to be asking if we do not even love our self.

Not loving our self is a wicked path to follow. We can love others and still hate ourselves.

We can be open and loving to others yet throw such terrible judgement on ourselves.

Don’t think you are alone. Everyone struggles with this. Everyone! Even the most successful struggle because the more successful someone gets, the more of an imposter they can feel. They have a fear that others may find out they are not as confident and secure as people think they are.

So, let’s step down a notch. You are at home alone. No one else is around nor will any one be showing up any time soon. You had a good day, and you also feel good. What do you think about, how do you act? Who are you when no one else is watching?

The other day I left work, and I was in a good mood. An Elton John song came on my music, and I knew all the words. I sang along, loudly and out of tune and loving every second of it. I must have looked like a nut to those passing me. I only thought that for a second. But just a second. I changed what I thought is that they must think I’m really happy and they might be a little envious of that full joy. I did look like someone having a good day. I love this side of me. It had been a while since I had seen this side because I can be a little serious at times. My kids always knew that Mom was in a good mood when she was singing at full volume. They knew I was feeling good about myself.

True that day, I had a huge insight and breakthrough. No one can jolt my confidence or how much I loved who I am in that moment.

You will learn that about me over time. Feeling great is for me and I don’t give a sh** if someone doesn’t like it. Feeling sure and confident is for me. I spent most of my life trying to live up other’s expectations. I had the classic childhood of feeling like I wasn’t enough, or I felt that I would never amount to anything. Oddly enough, though, they were not the expectations of others, just what I perceived as the expectations of others.

Growing up with skewed thinking has no bearing on my parents who were amazing and gave me everything. Felling like this was just a reflection of how bad I felt about myself.

I destroyed my life several times, trying to please other’s people and be loved. None of that worked. I found out in very devastating ways. After a tragic twenties and thirties, I was a window and divorced. At 40 I said that is enough.

I learned to get to know myself, love myself, and stop caring what everyone thinks, expects or likes and started liking and loving myself.

Geez, that sounds selfish. But listen. Living the best version of ourselves is serving others. Don’t mistake serving as pleasing. And don’t think of caring for and loving who you are as self-centered or egotistical.

Serving others means being 100% genuine and authentic with those around you. Owning up to our mistakes and failures. Constantly growing and learning who we are.

Over the decades I learned that I really like me. If others don’t, that is ok. I do. I like to attract those that do like me, and I learn stretch and grow from those that do not.

What are some things weI have learned from being more confident?

  1. Success is easier
  2. Failures are embraced and propel must forward.
  3. We don’t have to be perfect.
  4. Some have very different journeys to travel.
  5. It’s OK if someone does not like us.
  6. We can’t fix anyone except our self.

Do you struggle with feeling self-confident? Would you like to “like” yourself, maybe for the first time? If you lack self-confidence, is this holding you back from your passion and purpose?

Let’s have a conversation; I would love to speak with you and see if we can find some insights. Each person is unique, and each journey is unique.

I am a no BS person. I am a coach, and I get paid, just like you do.

But first, I want to know you, and I want you to know me. I will block off 2-hours to have a conversation and dive deep and look for insights to bring healing and change. Those two hours may be all you need for now. You may have the insight and the shift you need. We may also feel the need to go deeper later.

If you want to continue, then we will talk about that. We must be a good fit first.

First, I want to have that conversation, and we spend the time together in the full experience of what coaching is. If this is something your heart is pulling you towards let me know.

Two hours of my time, focus, and attention is all yours. You can contact me at or email

I do not live with my tech 24/7 If you leave me a message, I will get back with you to schedule or answer basic questions within 24-hours and schedule our 2-hour conversation by phone or zoom chat. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.